Nick and Jessica: Like We're Surprised

DISCLAIMER: I have never seen a single episode of Newlyweds, nor do I own a single CD from either Nick or Jessica. I also know the difference between chicken and tuna.

The official word is that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are officially separating, "respect our privacy at this difficult time," blah blah blah. Like everyone who scans tabloid headlines in the grocery aisle didn't see that coming. Agent K from Men in Black wasn't far off the mark when he said the tabloids published the best investigative journalism on the planet. Hell, they go through garbage to get the garbage.

Still, anyone with a brain could have known this would happen from the "I do," save-ourselves-until-the-wedding-night notwithstanding. Some clues:

The bondage princess look. For a minister's daughter, Miss Thing can put on the demon torturer look like nobody's business. I searched the Net in vain for my favorite scary Simpson photo, the one where she and her famous bustline are trussed up in black pleather like a Thanksgiving turkey, but had to settle for this one:

Black isn't good with all that blonde (or that spray-on tan), nor does raking her hair back from her forehead do anything to minimize the mouth-like-a-Muppet's thing she has going on. The Alice Cooper eyeliner doesn't help, either.

Accentuating the obvious: She's got a rack. We know. Her dad rhapsodizes over it (which is creepy enough in itself). But do you have to display it in such badly-fitting clothing? (Yes, the one on the right played peek-a-boo in a subsequent shot) There are some things a spaghetti strap should not be asked to do.

Her dad: I love my dad, too, but you don't hear him talking about my boobs on national television. Kinda scary that he is ordained, if you ask me.

Dessert Beauty: I want to eat my chocolate cupcake, not smell like it. Eeeew.

That car washing video: When you can make Paris Hilton's commercial for a cheeseburger look classy, you have a problem.

Diva, thy name is...: Let's be fair and toss both Nick and Jessica in on this one. Musicians by nature are egomaniacal divas. They like things their way. They throw temper tantrums. They don't do well when not being fawned over. When the balance of power (or attention) shifts, implosion is imminent. Nick seems like an okay guy--perhaps the ESPN gig will do him some good. The train's already wrecked for the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. Lachey. Dukes of Hazzard, anyone?

Romeo and Juliet: Jessica Simpson famously remarked on her wedding day that her love story with Nick was "like Romeo and Juliet." That should have been the giveaway right there. If your love story is like Romeo and Juliet's, you will end up with the following:

• Feuding families
• Dead best friend (Mercutio)
• Dead favorite cousin (Tybalt)
• Banishment (Romeo)
  
• Dead almost-fiancé (Paris)
• Dead lover #1 (Romeo, by poison)
• Dead lover #2 (Juliet, by stabbing)
• Dead mom (Lady Montague)

I don't know about you, but my love story doesn't involve a BODY COUNT!! (It is, after all, the TRAGEDY of Romeo and Juliet). Were these people paying attention in ninth grade English class, or were they just enraptured by the nice costumes and either a) cute Leonard Whiting and busty Olivia Hussey in the Zeffirelli version or b) cute Leonardo DiCaprio and lovely Claire Danes in Baz Luhrmann's Romeo+Juliet? Either way, they both end up dead. Not what I'd call a happy ending.

Kind of like Nick and Jessica.