The Bed List/The Dinner List

BED LIST: KEANU REEVES



Yes, I know. Keanu Reeves will always be, in some respect, Ted "Theodore" Logan, a floppy-haired stoner. But let's face it. Mr. Man is gorgeous, and we loved him in Something's Gotta Give (okay, Diane Keaton ended up with Nicholson, as she should have, but who amongst the female audience wasn't yelling "You go, girl!" when she hooked up with hot young Dr. Keanu?). And he can save the world from mad bombers and wacked-out computers. Plus, there are pix on the 'net of his naked butt. And it's cute, too.

DINNER LIST: JACK BLACK



Picture this: Jack Black. Snooty waiter. Mayhem caught on video. Would that be priceless, or what? I had to pick Jack today because DD is obsessed with School of Rock (which is also priceless). And, anyone willing to wax his chest and don "stretchy pants" has got to be fun.

Job Interview

Conservative clothing choice, check.
Resume, check.
Positive attitude, check.

I answer the questions. I look at both of the interviewers. I explain myself. I get to ask questions. Everything seems to go fine. So why am I so nervous?

Because in the ultimate wisdom of my state, I may not be good enough to keep teaching at my own school (read: my--and my colleagues'--numbers aren't high enough), so in order to keep my job, I have to re-apply. I don't plan to bore you with the many, many reasons why this is farcical, not the least of which is my continued dedication to the school and its students despite the fact that transferring elsewhere would mean a huge drop in my workload and overall stress.

News flash: If students at a school continue to fail, and the school has been working its collective *ss off to help them succeed, perhaps the interviews need to be conducted with the students and their parents.

But that would be political suicide, so here I am, all dressed up, with no definitive timeline for when I'll find out whether I have my job, or if today was a total waste of makeup.

Education in these United States. Never have so many done so much for numbers on an almighty spreadsheet. Is there any wonder we're having trouble attracting and keeping quality teachers? Talk amongst yourselves.

The Bed List/The Dinner List

BED LIST: KARL URBAN



I hate to fall headlong into clichéville, but bad boys are darned attractive. DH has been watching Bourne movies again, and bad boy assassin in The Bourne Supremacy is the luscious Karl Urban, better known as Éomer in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and The Return of the King. I'd ride his Riddermark, if you knowhuti'msayin'.

DINNER LIST: COLIN POWELL



Words don't begin to express how impressed I am with Colin Powell. This is one fiercely intelligent man. I think he got a bum deal in Term 2, but that's just me. You know that feeling of relief when you finally get out of a job that makes you nuts, largely because your boss makes goofy decisions no reasonably intelligent person would make? I hope that's what Colin's feeling these days. Maybe I could get him to dish over pie. Men love pie.

Viva El Nacho!

Okay, so the kids and I take DH out for Father's Day. Steak lunch, custom-smoked ribs and pork loin for dinner followed by homemade ice cream dessert thanks to my baby bro, who's into that sort of thing, and a trip to the megaplex to see Nacho Libre.

OMG. Laughed my butt off at Jack Black's butt in "stretchy pants." This movie is completely juvenile, as in sneeze-black-beans-out-your-nose- and-get-the-crap-kicked-out-of-you-by-a-couple-of-midget-luchadors- who-look-and-act-like-Ewoks-on-crack juvenile. Too funny. Plus, El Esqueleto does one hell of a Wilhelm Scream.

Sad to say, but this one has to go in the library, right alongside Napoleon Dynamite and School of Rock. But from a family whose acid test for married compatibility is enduring a family screening of Better Off Dead, with most of the family chiming in to classic lines such as "He snorts nasal spray? Know where I can score some?" "I'm gonna activate your dental plan!" and "I want my two dollars!", what did you expect?

The Bed List/The Dinner List

BED LIST: JOSH LUCAS



I'm a sucker for Southern men, especially Southern men with killer smiles and twinkling eyes. Check, check, and check. Wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers, if you know what I mean.

DINNER LIST: KURT LODER



Dating myself here--I was watching when MTV launched (the first video played, of course, was "Video Killed the Radio Star" by The Buggles). As a result, I have a close attachment to some of the original veejays, but especially to Kurt Loder, who was a Jon Stewart-like smarter-than-the-regular-news-guys guy for that era. He's still going strong, still interesting, still a great writer, which makes him all the more desireable for a dinner date.

What I’m Doing During Summer Vacation

I have never, in my eighteen years of teaching, assigned a “What I Did Over Summer Vacation” essay. For one, summer vacation would have to be a tangible entity in order for anyone to be “over” it (yes, I also get cranky when people “plan on” something, especially when that something is not corporeal, like a table). For another thing, “What I Did . . . Yada Yada” essays are typically mind-numbingly boring, and any teacher who assigns one volunteers to descend to Dante’s Fifth Circle of Hell (with the wrathful and gloomy) while grading them.
Then again, summer vacation is a wonderful time wherein teachers gasp fresh air for the first time in ten months and recommit to important things like rest and sanity. So without further ado, here are things I’m planning to do (NOTE: not “planning on doing”) during my summer vacation:

Sleep. Sleep and I are nodding acquaintances (pardon the horrific pun) during the school year. Sleep and I will become best friends during the summer.
Eat. Eating and I are best friends during the school year. Unfortunately, she’s one of those friends who’s always underfoot at the worst times. Eating and I will keep healthy, regular appointments during the summer that look nothing like the wanton midnight pasta-fests I have when grades are due.
Clean. Although a fire hose and a push broom may be tempting weapons in my losing battle against the tide of clutter, I should probably throw out some stuff. Definitely any pictures where my behind looks like the ad-banner side of a Lynx bus.
Laugh. Long, lazy summer nights are far more fun when you’re giggling along with romantic comedies. Tourists sporting the socks-with-sandals look are good for a chuckle, too.
Play. Sometimes this will look like redecorating. Most of the time, it will look like my children have discovered a new friend who really needs to touch up her roots.
Love. My very own hero and I celebrate our anniversary in the summer. He and I will be __("ing" verb)__ to commemorate the occasion.
Read. Reading selections will be chosen with care, not forced upon me because I assigned them. I may even get around to reading all the books I brought home from National last summer.
Write. Writing will not resemble panicked lists containing “Call So-and-So’s mother about bad test grade,” “Sign permission slip,” and “Milk!!” Writing will consist of coherent prose about characters and events, something resembling an original work of fiction.

So there you have it, my plan for summer vacation. It’s a lot to pack into two months, but it’s a great way to put off having to think about lesson plans for next year!
See you at the beach.

Here We Go Again

Alberto is coming! Alberto is coming!

And with that, the 2006 hurricane season really begins. It's pouring outside right now--not that I'm complaining, given the near-drought we've been experiencing the past couple of months--but today really felt like Seattle. Gray. Wet. Depressing. At least it's not 55 degrees, and after Señor Alberto makes landfall, we'll probably revert to our usual sunshine. And insane humidity, but hey, at least we're not getting dosed with 24/7 It's Armageddon!! messages on TV. Yet.

Only five and a half months left of hurricane season...

The Bed List/The Dinner List

Back to the boys.

BED LIST: PIERCE BROSNAN



He just gets better looking, doesn't he? We all swooned over Remington Steele, panted over him as Bond, James Bond, and got the hots amidst The Thomas Crown Affair. But we fell in love during the "run-by fruiting" in Mrs. Doubtfire. Tall, dark, and devastating. And Irish. Yep, we're down for the count.

DINNER LIST: DENIS LEARY



Everyone's inner smartass could use a tuneup now and again. What better tutor than Denis Leary? He's quick on his feet, sharp, funny as hell. Plus, he has a soft spot for firefighters and puts his money where is mouth is (his Leary Firefighters Foundation was the second-quickest to respond after 9-11). All in all, a great guy. Not an a****** in the slightest (although his song about them nails American self-absorption).

The Bed List/The Dinner List

June 1 marks the first day of Gay Pride Month, and in honor of my gay friends, this edition of the Bed/Dinner List has a twist--the ladies I'd pick if I were so inclined.

BED LIST: HALLE BERRY



Halle Berry is like the most beautiful woman on the planet, okay? Stinkers aside (Catwoman, anyone?), she usually makes excellent choices in film. I've watched her bloom from crack whore (Jungle Fever) to Oscar-winner (Monster's Ball) while battling racism, bad press, and abusive husbands. That's impressive. Plus, she knows how to dress--you do remember her Elie Saab Oscar gown? And she's an X-Man. Now that rocks.

DINNER LIST: LILY TOMLIN



I'd have dinner with Lily Tomlin even if it weren't Gay Pride Month. This is one seriously smart woman. Smart and hilarious, my two favorite qualities in a dinner guest. We could talk about everything from Robert Altman to channeling Steve Martin in All of Me (a favorite). And if we got bored, we could talk in Edith Ann voices while waiting for dessert. And that's the truth.